I’ve always tried to understand psychology and humanity as a whole. I pay attention to anything that helps me understand. It’s kind of an obsession of mine to try to comprehend and accept what we are. The more I see, hear, feel and ultimately the more I understand; the less I comprehend the real reason behind who we are. Psychologically, humans seem to evolve by their experiences. So it baffles me when I can’t seem to think of a single situation that would cause certain types of human behavior. In my experience, we absolutely never mean what we say. I have yet to find a situation in which we absolutely say what we mean. I’m not talking about when you ask another woman about how you look in that dress and she answers you like a fashionista. She tells you how those patterns don’t compliment your figure when more than likely she just doesn’t want to tell you that you don’t look good in that dress. This is sugar coating and can be simply explained by the fact that most people do not like to hurt other people’s feelings on purpose and if they asked you that question they would want you to sugar coat as well. What I mean is when people say “I don’t know” when they mean to say “I know exactly what the answer is but this is easier and the conversation will end, so I’ll say that I don’t know”. This type of hypocrisy is what I don’t understand. One could argue by my example that it is pure laziness. But is that all?
How about when people say things like “forget society and do you”. Really? If I’m a serial killer, it’s okay? The answer that most people will give is “well…no. But that’s different”. I want to ask how? You may not think that those “bad” things that we rarely talk about are what people truly are. You may not want to think that this is their simplest form. But if they truly believe it…that is who they see and who you will meet. The truth is that none of us can forget society and be who we want…not entirely. If it was up to me, I’d walk naked around the house but I don’t. The reason is that there is an unspoken rule that says that male relatives shouldn’t see you naked(as well as other men) once you reach a certain age. My girl siblings and my mother however are allowed and it doesn’t seem weird to other people. Most people don’t question the simple things that we do and don’t do. Most people don’t question what we equate with being correct and why we deem those things correct in the first place. I believe that it is because the truth is too hard and too complex for us to want to deal with it.
But should we? Our sanity depends on us really never dealing with anything. It depends on us ignoring what we know deep inside and the shallowness of what we choose to see. In my example above…can you see why this is an unspoken rule? Of course there are so many ways someone could interpret that. There are so many roads you could take with this. But I will tell you mine. I believe this unspoken rule is in place because people believe that since a heterosexual man likes women, he is capable of being attracted to any woman. If that man is capable of becoming attracted to any woman, he is then capable of wanting to have a sexual relationship with any woman. Wanting and actually having a sexual relationship can be so far away. Someone could really want to do something and never be capable of doing it but the very possibility is too much to handle.
Every day we are affected by this type of thinking. Sometimes it is positive and sometimes it is negative. In a positive light, we can see that unspoken rules and methods of avoidance helps us not dwell on painful facts of life and “move on”. In a negative light, since we never truly get to the root of the behavior, we cannot change it. I will always love psychology and I will always love learning about myself but I also know that as long as psychology stays what it is…I will dislike the methods that are used to deal with people who don’t think like the majority. The people who cannot stay in that awkwardly-shaped invisible line between normal and socially unacceptable. That line that is commonly known as “being you”. I am tired of reading documents and hearing stories about the treatment of people with debilitating mental disorders and just people who don’t fit in. I am tired of hearing people tell other people to be true to themselves and be who they are. The reality is that most people should have a sign over their heads that say…”be who you are but you can’t be this or this….or this. You know what, I’ll write a book and tell you what you can and can not do. I’ll call it the bible, Torah or maybe the Quran.” Yes, I know. That was a cheap shot. I am not an atheist. I am agnostic and my religion/belief is just as hypocritical as the other religions for one reason and one reason only…we all believe we’re right. The existence of a god or deity can never be the reason of argument. The argument is whether we pray and praise the correct deity/belief. The argument is also whether what those beliefs teach us… is beneficial to the human experience. The argument is whether we should keep being hypocrites about the things that we know to be true as individuals.
I do admit that I too have this mind set and that by definition I am a hypocrite. This does not apply to everyone but me. This applies to humanity as I see it through my eyes. Also note that I don’t believe my view is the right view because in this case what I believe is tied to my experience in life and in order for me to be “right”…I would have had to experience the lives of others.
All the new years are the same for me. Beginnings for me are always represented by the new things I get during the beginning of the year. This bear represents something that came to an end and a beginning all at the same time.
Please don’t cry
And let me lay here on the snow
So I can die so white and pure
Underneath your eyes, underneath your eyes
Don’t look for me
I am not buried on the street
I am around you while you sleep
Just underneath your eyes, underneath your eyes
Please don’t cry
Inhale the cold air through your lungs
Let me fill you with my life
Let me die and you survive
Stop and think about our child… meant to be
She will always have your rosy cheeks
I’ll always have the memories
Please don’t cry
I’ll always be your loving wife
No matter what… I did not die
Only in your eyes, only in your eyes
I’m alive inside your heart, inside your soul
I’ll be light inside the storm
You be the love, I’ll be the amor
We can live forever in our own little world
Ahí estas tu
Sentado en tu pedestal blanco
Mirandome desde arriba con anticipacion
Con rabia y con dolor
Y quieres que regrese al lugar del que me tiraste
Con una cruz tatuada en mi brazo
Cargando ensima la vida de otros
Mientras me arrastro en un piso que no tienen destinacion
En caminos diferentes, sin calles que intersecten
Esperando que pase el alma que ya esta en otra vida
Malgastando nuestro tiempo en busca de solucion
Al problema que solo esta atado a mi
Ahi esta la verdad
Escrita en la sal de nuestras lagrimas
En las venas de una sangre que no corre
En la boca que ya no habla
En los oidos que ya no escuchan
En el te amo que nunca volvere a decir…
Quiero bañarme en felicidad
Y secarme con alegria
Tener siempre en mi cuerpo tu inmensa sonrisa
Quiero cantar la melodia de nuestras vidas
Con el sentimiento del pasado
Con el resentimiento del presente
Con el presentimiento del futuro
Quiero despertar ensima de tu alma
Cuidandola para mantener su calma
Para darle paz
Quiero aprender a vivir.
Just found out that a guy who had a wife that was expecting a child killed himself. He killed himself because of the very incurable condition that I have. That kind of makes me want to cry. He could have had a completely normal life had it not been for Misophonia. You have to imagine how much distress he was constantly under to actually go through with it. The thing about Misophonia is that after the sound is gone, your suicidal thoughts lessen or disappear for the time being…so if he was able to stay in that mindset, he had to have been constantly triggered by sounds and with high intensity. *sigh* May he rest in peace.